Getting better all the time

I did my first handstand today! I don't remember ever having done one before, even as a kid, although I must have tried now and again. But it's been gymnastics and more gymnastics at CrossFit Marin this week, and along with my first kickover, my first two feet up a climbing rope, and my first backward roll, I've now done my first 'real' handstand.

What's so special about this? Well, first of all, I'm forty-three. And second of all, I weigh over 200 pounds (down from 220 half a year ago). So for me, doing a handstand feels like kind of a miracle. I didn't stay up there long, but I did it correctly, balanced for an instant, and then tucked and rolled out of it to the generous applause of some of my gym friends. My goal is to be able to hold a handstand for 30 seconds or so, by the time I'm 45.

Motherhood has not come easily for me. I love those boys, of course -- I wouldn't want anyone else to be their mom, and I wouldn't want anyone else's kids either -- but it's been a drain physically, psychically, temporally. I didn't love my body much before kids, and I certainly didn't after. I love my husband, but we didn't make the transition to parents very well. I was trying to balance having a paying job with being the primary kid and home care person at the same time. And for a while there, I used food and wine (and tequila and beer) to get through the long frustrating afternoons and evenings and weekends -- and months, and years -- of new motherhood.

It got pretty out of control when Nathan was almost two and Adrian was approaching four, but I got my hands around its throat and wrestled it down to the ground, and can say proudly that I've not had a drink since. It'll be two years next month.

For a while, that was enough for me -- it was hard enough just to make that change, much less fit a diet and exercise plan into my white-knuckle motherhood. But once we got a little space -- the boys are more independent, we have begun being separate people, Dean and I have some time for exercise and are not so sleep-deprived -- I started going to the greatest gym in the world. (More about that in a future post.)

Now, through sweat, labored breathing, and trust in my own strength, I'm getting better all the time. I'm a happier mom, a stronger wife and friend, and more compassionate and proud of myself than I have been in years. Plus the effort of actually doing CrossFit is like rebooting your brain -- there's no spare energy during the workouts to think about anything other than giving yourself your maximum attention.

I'll be back a little later -- right now it's time for handstands. I only have about 22 months to practice before my 45th birthday!